The Wrong Question About Parental Leave

Not long ago, I was talking with a retired partner from a large regional law firm. As we were catching up, he mentioned that his daughter was about to have her first child—his first grandchild. How wonderful!

Her husband, also an attorney, worked at a firm that offered him little to no time off. Maybe a couple of days. Then it was back to the office.

My friend’s reaction caught me:“I didn’t get time off when my kids were born.”

He didn’t say it angrily. He didn’t say it joyfully. I’m not even sure if he said it with pride or with regret. I didn’t ask (though I wish I had). What struck me wasn’t the emotion behind his words, but the underlying sentiment: I didn’t get it, so why should anyone else?

And that’s the wrong question.

The Trap of Looking Backward

This mindset shows up often in leadership. Leaders compare today’s expectations to what they themselves received and let that become the benchmark for fairness. It’s human, but it’s also shortsighted.

Nostalgia doesn’t build thriving organizations. What you did—or didn’t—get 20, 30, or 40 years ago is largely irrelevant to the realities of today’s workforce. Conditions change. Expectations evolve. The world of work is not the same, and neither are the people in it.

When leaders measure today against yesterday, they end up holding today's people hostage to a standard that no longer fits. Worse, they risk confusing “fairness” with sameness, as if progress should be stalled because earlier generations didn’t have it.

The Real Question Leaders Must Ask

The issue isn’t:

• What did I get when I was their age?

• What did I want back then?

• What do I think they should value today?

Those are distractions.

The real leadership question is this: What do I want from my people, and what do they need in order to deliver that?

That’s the place where leadership happens.

Policies aren’t moral scorecards to even things out across generations. They’re levers for shaping the environment you want to create. If you want people who are engaged, loyal, and bringing their best selves to work, the question isn’t whether you had parental leave—it’s whether offering it now creates the outcomes your organization needs.

Why “I Suffered, So You Should Too” Backfires

For many leaders, hardship is a badge of honor. There’s an impulse to say: I went through it, so everyone else should too. But this logic is corrosive.

Imagine telling people on a construction site: “Because I didn’t get safety equipment, you won’t either.” What message does that send? It tells them the organization values tradition over progress, precedent over people. It risks planting seeds of resentment instead of loyalty.

A healthier framing is this: Yes, things were different in my day. And that’s real. But our responsibility is to build something better for those who come after us.

That’s how organizations evolve. That’s how societies advance.

Designing for Tomorrow, Not Yesterday

When leaders stop measuring today’s practices against yesterday’s hardships, they free themselves to design for tomorrow’s needs.

That doesn’t mean every request gets a yes. Organizations still have to balance resources, performance, and sustainability. But the starting point shifts. Instead of asking, What did I get? the question becomes, What do my people need in order to thrive—and how do we align that with what the business requires?

That’s the work of intentional leadership.

The Forward-Looking Role of Leaders

The leader’s role is not to look backward in judgment, but to look forward with curiosity and courage.

Leaders who embrace this perspective are the ones who will build workplaces that attract and retain the best talent. They’ll create cultures where people feel seen and supported, not measured against a yardstick from the past. And they’ll discover that when people thrive, organizations thrive.

So the next time you hear (or feel tempted to say), “I didn’t get it, so why should they?”—pause. That’s the wrong question.

The right one is much more powerful: What do I want from my people, and what do they need in order to deliver it?

That’s where leadership begins.

---

Andrea Applegate is a leadership consultant, coach, and facilitator who helps leaders model and coach the behaviors they want to see in their teams. Her work is rooted in the Mutual Learning Approach, where clarity, trust, and accountability aren’t abstract values—they’re daily practices.

👉 Curious what this could look like for your team? Explore the Great Leaders | Great Bosses™ Series or schedule a conversation.